For many years in therapy I would feel worried that I was “getting worse” when triggers or setbacks would arise. It’s hard when you are dealing with the complexity of trauma because it often feels like the world keeps moving but you are stuck in one place. I could be trying so many things to improve my quality of life and yet it felt like I was flailing in quicksand and my effort to prevent myself from sinking was fruitless.
The important part about being in therapy is having someone there to speak to a situation or circumstance from a completely different point of view. In sessions when I shared that I felt like I was getting worse or sinking in quicksand – they could tell me about all the progress I’ve made or am currently making but took for granted. How many times have you been working towards something but because you are not as far along as you thought you would be it feels like progress hasn’t been made at all?
I can relate.
I’ve been on a journey of healing from SA for almost 7 years and in that time I’ve seen highs and lows. Of course if I take a moment to pause I can be grateful for all the steps I’ve already taken, the tears I’ve cried, the doctor’s visits I survived, and much more. But more often than not because the journey is not over I can look more to my feelings of frustration and exhaustion because that is what still weighs heavily on me day after day.
As a writer, I always enjoyed writing the beginnings and endings the most. Setting up the story to come and then also anticipating the final line. I remember saying that to a professor once and years later I still hear my voice because in this situation I feel like I’m doing the same thing. The in-between chapters and story telling is less exciting sometimes. It’s messy and sometimes feels pointless because you know where you’re trying to go but there’s 100s of pages of character development and plot to get through before you can finish.
It’s not easy to find gratitude in the midst of long-suffering. I’ve improved but I wouldn’t say I’ve arrived. But hopefully this encourages you today to take a moment and be proud of how far you have come instead of focusing on how far off you might still be.
