A few years ago I had a series of nightmares that all seemed to relate to the idea of being unable to speak. One of them involved me going through my every day life running errands, but when I went to talk to other people I realized I couldn’t. Before long I couldn’t breathe and people around me had to help move my tongue which had somehow become cartoonishly large but once I was freed I woke up. Other times I would speak but no one could hear me. And the list goes on from there.
If you’re new to my page I had a blog years ago that I started in 2012 I believe and I had 100s of posts journaling my life, faith, dreams. I went through a period of about 2 years where I felt paralyzed in my current situation and had nothing to give creatively. But I met someone on Instagram who could help me re-launch and rebrand my page and in 2020 in some ways I found my voice again.
But going back to silence and language.
Dreams have always been interesting to me because I believe your unconscious mind can reveal things you don’t allow yourself to think about during the day and suppress in order to survive whatever you are currently going through. When you’re asleep your defenses are down and your brain is processing all sorts of activities so I think there are opportunities to listen to yourself on a deeper level. I also believe on rare occasions, God has communicated things to me while I dream knowing I’m a big fan of Google, and will be able to find some greater meaning in what is shared.
I love the quote by Jane Austen that says “Sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in.”
I don’t know about you but I can relate to this hard.
There are times in life where you struggle to articulate how you feel.
And there are other times in life where you are silenced.
Do you know where you fall right now?
For those two years where I didn’t write anything I felt like I was struggling to articulate how I felt. I was so numb from trauma on one hand and on the other hand, when I was able to start processing and feeling my emotions it was so overwhelming it felt paralyzing.
Now I’m at a part in my journey where I feel like I want to speak up even if people would prefer I was silent.
Growing up in the church, it can often feel like beliefs are placed upon you before you have time to work out how you feel for yourself. So much of church life can look like blind obedience when very rarely this is how people learn and grow. Wrestling with beliefs, comparing religious life to your every day experience and being welcome to do so is definitely what Christianity should be about and yet that is not at all what most of us experience.
Today, I hope you figure out where you land on the silent spectrum – do you need to allow yourself to work out where you currently are and have the bravery or patience with yourself to do so? Or do you need to come to terms with areas of your life where you felt silenced and slowly invite yourself to find your voice again?
Wherever you are – I’m happy you’re starting again.