I’m not sure if this sounds super dramatic but I’ve felt suppressed for a long time. I can’t keep plants alive but I know there comes a time when a plant’s roots are growing and the only thing holding it back from growing more is the size of the container its in. I can make specific sense of this feeling in my 30s having dealt with a SA and PTSD but I know suppression probably affected me in different ways at different seasons before either of those things happened.
Growing up I was bullied mainly for not having a lot of money/my dad working as a janitor in the school I was in, having acne, and I guess just being me? Ha. It’s hard to be a kid sometimes I guess. If you can relate to being bullied – it probably goes without saying – but you make a conscious effort to try to disappear in public even if you don’t want to.
When I think of young Jessica – I actually loved who I was. I recognize her as someone I still am many years later as an adult. I was always very curious and creative and could convince kids in daycare or at the playground in school to have fabulous adventures with me outside. I loved watching TV and movies, and I loved making up stories and writing them down as if I was a famous author. But at the same time I remember being made fun of for what I wore or how I looked. And I think without realizing it you slowly conceal parts of yourself because it’s easier to not be noticed.
It was much of the same in Junior High and High School only now you have to deal with puberty and your body changing and realizing that people get smarter and more tactical with the way they hurt you. I remember crying a lot and internalizing it thinking something was fundamentally wrong with me. I could continue but hopefully sharing those specifics things helps you find yourself in my story.
Back to today. I just turned 36 last month and I still feel like I’m a small plant rising in some ways. Realizing the part I played in keeping myself small and also identifying the people and places that kept me stuck.
It’s super hard to keep fighting some days when I’ve felt like – wow – I’ve been pushing through obstacles for so long and I’m tired. I want a break. I want to have a season where doors are opening and I don’t have to push so hard. I feel like I have been doing that for way too long.
Wherever you find yourself today in your own journey, I hope you take some time to honor how hard you’ve been fighting in order to get to a safe place to grow and start again.
